blessed.

     When the seasons begin to change, I always go through a time of deep reflection. Memories, good and bad, from past seasons reawaken in my mind. Just the smell of a new season emerging outside is  nostalgic enough to make my thoughts come alive. This isn't just a pregnancy thing either--the sense of smell IS the strongest sense we have.
    Sometimes it's easy to start dwelling on the past more than it is to dwell in the present. Questioning occurs out of the subconscious, bringing to mind all that could have been but didn't happen in life--how things would have been different had A and not B occurred, what it would have been like had God not taken away this and given that instead.
     I'm not a country girl--country music is slightly revolting to me. But when I hear Garth Brook's song "Unanswered Prayers," tears come to my eyes. Some of God's greatest gifts in my life HAVE been unanswered prayers. I think back to things that meant to much years ago--yet had God answered those requests, I would be nowhere near where I am right now. For instance, I am EXCEEDINGLY glad that He did not answer my heartfelt, FERVENT 9-year old prayer requests to let me get pregnant with hecktuplets after I first got married. Note--hecktuplets are NINE BABIES AT ONCE. Nevertheless, there were other things that were closer to my heart that I asked for as far as my future went. Not one of them came to be--and reflecting upon them, God truly knows what is best--all the time, even when its painful.
     I'm *trying* to get sleepy in bed while John is in the next room studying. He's been at his Kinematics homework for hours on end. Lying here, just looking around the room, it hit me on just how blessed I am. I see furniture and stuff that came from just me or just him--I see articles that have been attained as newlyweds--and I see a big semi-organized pile of pretty, frilly things for our little baby girl. Oh, how He has blessed me! He truly works EVERYTHING out for good, and I never want to take that for granted. An unfinished scrapbook of our BEAUTIFUL wedding that occurred just 10 months ago lies on the floor--a beautiful work in progress, if I do say so myself. The baby things remind me of years of praying for my future children. This computer sitting on top of a rather large and growing belly is an excellent reminder of that blessing too. :) The sounds of John turning textbook pages in the next room remind me just how wonderful and hardworking he is for our family. I know he's not suffering through Kinematics for the fun of it. He is doing it for me, and he's doing it for the baby. I get frustrated when he doesn't give me enough spending money for the month--but that's for the good of our family as well. I'm so thankful for a strong minded man who clearly has our family's future in mind and won't let anything get in the way of our good--even if it means having to lose sleep to study for school and wake up at an ungodly hour to go get hours in at work. I am so blessed to have him.
     Maybe it's easier to focus on the past because it's a done deal. What's happened has happened, and nothing can change that. Focusing on the present is so much harder--I am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness to me as I feel so undeserving. There's so much I want to do for His glory, starting just by living my life the way He wants me to now.